


The Goblet of Fire, and The Triwizard Cheater

by Godwouldhateme



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Dark Crack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-16
Updated: 2019-01-16
Packaged: 2019-10-11 00:50:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17436707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Godwouldhateme/pseuds/Godwouldhateme
Summary: The adventures of Eliana Prewitt, Eleanor, Natalie Malfoy, Rachel Black, and their friends at Hogwarts. The school will never be the same. It's lit.(starts at 4th year.)THIS IS SELFINSERT FRIENDFICTIONWe're college students, but we are 11 in this story.





	1. Chapter 1

"Did you hear that Harry Potter stood up Cedric Diggory last night?" asked Eleanor, friendly neighborhood first year Slytherin. Sitting themselves down at the Hufflepuff table with unrestrained glee.

"Yeah, he came back to the dorm last night crying, and we had an impromptu group therapy session," Eliana mumbled around a mouthful of heavily jammed toast.

"That's gross," they replied, "both the talking with your mouthful and the age difference. Not the therapy session though. Good for you."

"Don't you think that it's a little romantic though?"

"Nothing about asking a fourteen-year-old to join you in the Prefects bathroom is romantic."

"Romance is dead," entered Natalie as she walked by the table. Grabbing the toast from Eliana's hands. She sat down at the table with the grace expected of a Malfoy. Taking a bite out of the toast, she cringed, "Why is there so much jam on this toast?"

"That's not the point. The point is Cedric Diggory is a pedophile." Eleanor rolled their eyes and slurped Eliana's coffee down.

Eliana frowned.

"Did we have a group therapy session for a pedophile then?" Eliana pondered.

From the door into the Great Hall, there was heard a cry. "Wassup?"

"Yes you did," said Eleanor, as they waved hi at Hazel and speared one of Eliana's sausages on a fork. They took a bite.

Mid frown, Eliana noticed the 'Triwizard Cheater' Harry Potter walking over to the Gryffindor Table. She stood up, cupping her hands around her mouth, "HEY HARRY, DID YOU REALLY STAND UP CEDRIC LAST NIGHT?" Eleanor and Natalie sniggered quietly beside her. Hazel, finally making it to the table, looked on, confused, but did not ask what Eliana was yelling about.

But Harry, caught up in his dark and melancholy emo 14-year-old thoughts, did not hear her, and simply continued on his way.

"What a Gryffindick," proclaimed Natalie, stealing a sip of Eliana's pumpkin juice as she dropped the disgusting sticky jam toast. Eliana did not notice.

Hazel finally took a seat. "So... what was that about?"

"Well didn't you hear?" Natalie asked. "Cedric Diggory-"

"Is a pedophile," interjected Eleanor. Hazel nodded matter-of-factly.


	2. Chapter 2

"Maybe he turned down Cedric because he's a hetero?" asked Eliana. 

"There's no way that Harry fuckin' Potter is a heterosexual," proclaimed Eleanor confidently.

"Harry Potter is a fucking twink," stated Rachel as a form of introduction into the conversation. "But why are we talking about this?"

"Because He turned down Cedric Diggory," stated Eliana.

"That's obviously because he's into my cousin, Draco," said Natalie, wiping her nails on her Slytherin robes. 

"Your related to Draco?" asked Hazel. 

"My mother's cousin's uncle's brother is Draco's grandfather's son's uncle."

"That's fair," Eliana said, staring off into the distance. Simultaneously, Eleanor said, "That's wild."

Natalie did not react to either statement; she'd heard it all before.

"My dad's 'gay fling' disappeared shortly after he graduated Hogwarts. Coincidentally He Who Must Not Be Named rose to power like 6 months later. Don't think there's a connection though. I'm not sure why I'm bringing this up but whatever," said Eliana. 

No one commented. "What are your thoughts on Quidditch being cancelled this year?" asked Hazel, bluntly, changing the subject.

"I don't fuckin' care," groaned Natalie, rolling her eyes. "What do you think the next task is gonna be?"

"Sex tape." 

Everyone looks over at the speaker, Rachel. Rachel raised one eyebrow and did not explain.

Natalie said, "Maybe it's the giant squid. That thing lays eggs right?"

"Tentacle sex tape," said Rachel, knowingly nodding her head. Eleanor looked horrified. Eliana looked...interested?

"What if it's more dragons?" Eleanor asked.

"Back onto the subject of Diggory," Rachel interjected, with a contemplative look on her face. "Why Harry would turn him down I just don't understand. Given the chance I'd climb that boy like a tree."

"Rachel, you'd climb The Dark Lord like a tree," responded Natalie, as if that proved anything.

"Your point?" queried Rachel, raising her eyebrow again.

Eliana choked on her pumpkin juice. It was a disgusting gross wet choking noise. Rachel moved to perform CPR and Eliana kicked her square in the boob.

Rachel stumbled backwards, holding her boob and looking hurt. She glared down at Eliana, who was done choking. "Don't kinkshame me," she accused.

"Kinkshaming is my kink," countered Eliana, laughing and choking just a little bit more. 

Natalie, who had been spending her time inspecting her nails while the excitement went on, stood up languidly. "I have a private potions session to attend to with Professor Snape. I'll see you later."

"WINK WINK," shouted Eleanor. Natalie, without turning around, said, "Act like an 11 year old," while flipping Eleanor off as she left the Great Hall.

Rachel, in an attempt to wink, blinked both eyes and made a rude gesture. Eliana elbowed her in the other tit, and Hazel scooched away from Eliana subtly, guarding her boobs.

At that moment, a thunderous voice rang out in the Great Hall. "FIVE POINTS FROM HUFFLEPUFF. You know why." McGonagall scowled down at them. Everyone but Eliana cringed a little bit. 

Eliana just whispered, with feeling, "Fuck that Gryffindwhore."


	3. Chapter 3

Shortly thereafter, the Gals were on their way down to Potions class. Natalie wasn't there though. Sad. 

"So guys, fuck, marry, kill. Sirius Black, Mad-Eye Moody, Professor Snape?" Eliana opened, out of the blue.

Eleanor pushed the door into the dungeons open, and the Gals walked into potions class. 

"In all honesty, my mother would probably marry me off to Sirius Black, cause of all that Dark Lord shit he did or whatever," Rachel said, pondering.

"Isn't he your uncle?" Eleanor asked, joining the Gals at their desks in the front of the class. 

"Your point?" Rachel responds, raising her eyebrow.

Natalie nodded knowingly. "Yeah, my mom is considering marrying me off to Draco once we're graduated." 

Rachel and Natalie shared a solemn glance. "Anyway, that means I marry Sirius... Kill Snape, cause he's a gross incel, and fuck Mad-Eye."

Snape, ten feet from them, glared but said nothing because he was pretty sure Natalie was his kid, but not, like, 100% sure. Also, Rachel wasn't wrong.

"The reason I would fuck Mad-Eye," Rachel clarified, "Is because I think he kinda wants to kill me, and I think that would be really fucking hot." 

"Why do you think he wants to kill you?" Eleanor asked, ignoring the death kink. 

Rachel leveled an even stare. "That's my business."

"Anyway, I'd marry Sirius Black for the money," Natalie said, changing the subject. Snape looked on, concernedly. "Then, I'd fuck Professor Snape." 

"You already are, miss private potions session," Eliana teased. Natalie glared.

Snape turned and with a swish of his swishy robes walked to the blackboard, far from Natalie. 

"And then I'd kill Mad-Eye." Natalie nodded, decisively. 

Eleanor nodded too. "Yeah, same, tee bee aitch." 

Natalie slapped Eleanor. "USE CORRECT GRAMMAR, you half-blood whore."

Eleanor shrugged and gave an 'I regret nothing' look.

Eliana, who'd been doing all of the work on the potion thus far, accidentally added the porcupine quills thirty seven seconds too soon and blew the entire thing up, coating the Gals in sticky, cold molasses-like goo. It was also bright orange, and smelled disturbingly like old underwear. It was awesome.

"50 points from Hufflepuff," Snape roared. "Mostly for the explosion. You know why else."

"That's fair," said Eliana reasonably, nodding. 

"And a detention, for your use of tasteless vulgarity," added Snape, including under his breath a muttered, "bitch."

Eliana quailed. "Quick, one of you fuck up. I don't want to spend two hours in a room alone with him!"

Rachel exited her seat, walked up to Professor Snape, and tapped on his shoulder. When he turned around to face her, she punched him square in the thigh, cause she's 11 and can't reach his face.

Snape sighed, expecting such behavior from the first year. He should have known better. "Detention for you too, Black." Rachel nodded sagely, and went back to join Eliana at their desks. They high fived. It was sick.


	4. Chapter 4

The rest of the day was shockingly uneventful. That night, however, would prove to be rather strange. Rachel and Eliana were serving their detentions in the dungeons. They were cleaning cauldrons, one of Snape's most notorious methods of punishment. 

"Yo dude, can I get some gloves? I think that this rancid cauldron is corroding my finger skin," Eliana said, her voice quivering as she looked at her poor, poor hands. "I'm only 11 you sick fuck."

"Well, miss Prewitt, you should have thought of that before using incredibly vulgar language in my class," Snape replied haughtily. 

"I only swore after you gave me the detention; it was Rachel and Eleanor who were swearing, you incel," Eliana said, exasperated.

Rachel turned and slapped Eliana, backhanded. "Snitches get stitches, bitch." 

Snape said nothing, not necessarily approving of the young Slytherin's actions but not condemning them either. He was just weird that way. 

Snape sighed "I cannot even begin to understand how children as young as you think things so vulgar-" 

"I'm actually like 20 or something now," Eliana interjected calmly. "I don't know; timelines are hard." 

Rachel nodded. "Buying a gun should be WAY more difficult." 

Snape froze. His eyes flickered between the two girls. "What do you mean your twenty fucking years old?" 

"I don't know. Magic or some shit," Rachel added, scrubbing aggressively at a bit of cauldron scum. 

"Well actually, it was my fault." Eliana gestured passively at her measly 11-year-old form. "I shot a time turner with a muggle gun because I thought it would be a cool vine. Turns out, if you blow up a magical object, you destroy the time stream." Eliana shrugged. 

Snape, looking horrified, was speechless. 

"It's not that terrible I guess." Eliana moved on to a new cauldron. " I just know when everyone around me is going to die." She looked up and made meaningful eye contact with the professor. 

Rachel blinked at him.

Snape assumed that was supposed to be a wink. He felt nauseous. 

"Actually this is the seventh time we've done this. Not always with a time turner, but always with a gun, and it has always been cool." Eliana smirked. "I've seen some shit, man." 

Rachel nodded, sagely. "Remember the Diva-Cup vampire vore?"

Eliana looked confused. "No?"

"Oh yeah, you weren't there for that one," Rachel murmured. 

"What fucking excuse do you have for being there for that one?" Eliana looked disgusted. 

"It was hot" Rachel stared off into the distance longingly. 

Snape had had enough. "Detention dismissed," he said. He rubbed his temples, "I don't want to see or hear about either of you until your next potions class."

"That's fair," they both responded, turning and leaving.

Snape rubbed his temples some more. Why was his maybe-daughter hanging out with these miscreants. "I fucking hate kids," he murmured, and then he cleaned the rest of the pots with a swish of his wand and exited to his office.


	5. Chapter 5

The Hufflepuff common room is a cozy little place. Hidden near the kitchens, it's lit by warm sunlight and filled with warm plush couches. There is also a lot of weed, but that's not the point.

They were all lounging in a circle in the corner of the room. Nobody ever commented on the majority of non-Hufflepuffs. It's just really easy to get into the Hufflepuff common room. You only have to tap the right barrel to the tune of 'Helga Hufflepuff' and honestly, who's the idiot who can't do that?

"Holy fuck, is that Cedric Diggory on a date with Harry Potter?" Eleanor whispered loudly, lying across the plushest couch. This isn't even their house. They're a Slytherin, but they're working it. Natalie wasn't a Hufflepuff either. They just hang out there a lot. Eliana, and Hazel were Hufflepuffs, although Eliana was still in detention with Rachel.

Natalie turned around in her seat to stare at Harry and Cedric. She wasn't subtle. She never was. "Oh my god," she said, turning back around to face her friends. "They totally are on a date."

They were sitting on the couch towards the back of the room. Cedric's arm was draped over Harry's shoulders. Harry was smiling endearingly, and a light flush rose on Cedric's cheeks. Their faces were mere inches apart. Harry's hand reached up, and playfully plucked at one of his dark curls. 

"That super gay," Eleanor said pretty damn loud. 

"You're such a good friend Cedric," Harry said. He ran his hand down Cedric's cheek. Caressing his face. "I couldn't imagine being in this tournament without your support." 

Cedric bit his lip, "Just friends, Harry?" His hand fell to gently rest on the other boys thigh. 

The gals stared pointedly. 

"I mean your the best boyfriend I've ever had. By boyfriend I of course mean boy whose a friend, of course." stumbled Harry.

"Well fuck me, " said Eleanor, loudly. 

Neither boy noticed. They were two caught up in each others gazes. Cedric leaned in nervously, and Harry, unconsciously, closed his eyes and followed suit. 

Their lips me gently. 

Suddenly Eliana and Rachel arrived back from their detention. 

"Holy Fuck, Thats gay." Rachel said as she looked upon the two boy entwined on the couch. 

One of Cedric's eyes opened, his lips never leaving Harry's. He flipped Rachel off, then deepened the kiss. 

Harry did not notice. 

Eliana and Rachel slowly approached the gals. Rachel quietly murmuring, " bow-chika-wowwow" 

Eleanor snickered loudly. 

Back on the couch, Harry's hands had made their way into Cedric's hair. He gasped slightly as Cedric moved to kiss his neck. Cedric rucked up harry shirt. His hands moving up over the younger boys stomach, cold against his heated skin. 

Eliana wolf whistled. The gals leaned in.

As Cedric skimmed Harry's ribs the younger boy suddenly pushed away. 

"Wow, Cedric you may even be a better friend then Ron." Harry said breathlessly. 

"DAMN!" literally everyone shouted. 

Cedric looked disappointed in Harry but pissed at the gals.

"God Harry Potters a dumbass." Eliana articulated clearly.

Harry, finally noticing Cedric and him weren't alone, looked around dazedly. 

"Did someone say my name?" He asked, still not seeing the gals. 

"Fuck Harry Potter." said Eliana. 

"I'm trying," Cedric responded.


End file.
